Mark Pendergrice was born and raised somewhere dull and predictable, where he trickled through school putting in about 35% effort. In 1987, he did something, and then again at some point in the early '90s. Behind his suit and tie festers a cold, grey skeletal motherboard of wires and systems that run pretty flawlessly, but don't allow much room for thinking outside of his financial box. He rakes in six figures annually, which he could easily extend to seven if he actually had any use for that kind of money.
His dream is to fill a football stadium with Sugar Puffs and milk, creating the biggest bowl of cereal in the world, which he would then offer to a charity that research suggests he should care about. This would boost his profile, painting a warmer side to his character that he just isn't capable of producing naturally. Some people are just wired up differently. His common sense also tells him that this may make an entire city smell of piss for a few hours.
Grifton 'Senior Service' Moore has been on the board for some 46 years. He was old when he started. He says "Every day is like a bonus to still be living. Every day is a lap of honour"
He's seen some excitement over the years, including the infamous "draught bitter scandal" of 1978 and the near acquisition of Trip To Eclipse Clothing in 1994. We eventually settled for Jaspa Jeans, which offered an alternative to acid inspired '90s rave-wear free of specific drug references. In the same month we branched out to day-glow scrunchies and fluorescent kirby grips; a move in which Grifton would later admit to being poorly executed due to a lack of knowledge of the market. "We just got caught in the times" he was said to have been quoted at the time; a quote which was never verified.
Grifton asked Christ into his life in 1984. He didn't get an answer, so assumed it was a no.
Adele Biswick, when referring to flatulence, finds the word "guff" uncontrollably hilarious. She is a strong economic force amongst the board and is never intimidated by investors or advertisers. She has been called the Muhammad Ali of finance, which is no surprise as she was crowned Coin Queen six years running back in cash college. However, "guff" is her weak spot and extensive measures are made to ensure that nobody utters a peep of it during important meetings.
Adele doesn't like sandals; she just doesn't see why they exist. She once went door-to-door around her residential district, collecting unused sandals from anyone willing to give. Locals assumed this was for some kind of charity, until they witnessed her throwing them one by one onto a nearby motorway, watching them get smashed to bits by the roaring traffic. "she's lucky there were no accidents" commented one concerned neighbour.
Adele's husband died in 1996. She admits that she never got around to grieving, but will do one day.
Milton Rowe is responsible for all people with their eyes too close together. He single handedly manufactured the look to suit his own sexual desires. His life and all his views revolve around his insatiable sexual appetite which dictates every decision he makes. In his own words "my dick does the thinking". He maintains that parrots are the most physically attractive birds and that if women were somehow wiped out, he'd know where to find "the juiciest, tightest parrots going".
Milton's low brow humour is said to have kept the board together during "a testing period" in which Lycos' increasingly enlarging banner adverts compromised the design of the website.
Milton's personal life is shrouded in mystery with unconfirmed tales of sexual adventure and grand betrayal leaking out from time
So there you have it; the Foyf's Shack Board Of Directors. We're a mad bunch of likely lads and lasses over here. It's like Wimbledon FC in the '80s: The Crazy Gang. Sure we muck about from time to time, but after 13 solid years of productivity, we've shone through to become one of the most respectable corporations in the business. It's all down to the level of morale we maintain on our ship. I'm sure we're just getting started. Who knows what mad developments are in store for the Foyf's Shack board of directors in the coming financial year.