Foyf's Shack

Vegetable Reviews

Vegetables eh? What are they all about? Well, I'll tell you. Vegetables are bits of plants that you have to eat. Now, vegetables shouldn't be confused with fruits, which are bits of plants that you CHOOSE to eat. No, you HAVE to eat vegetables or you'll end up looking ill and pasty. Since you have no choice but to eat vegetables (or look really crappy and ugly) I'll guide you as best I can through some of the ones available. If films and music can be reviewed, then why not vegetables?


carrots

Carrots

If carrots' taste matched their appearance, they would taste like oranges. That would be OK. This isn't the case. They taste rubbish.


peas

Peas

Little trumpy fart pills. Tiny green footballs. Stupid little green things. Fuck off.


sweetcorn

Sweetcorn

As above but yellow and shaped like teeth.


broccoli

Broccoli

Trees before they have had a chance to grow into trees. That's not fair, let them grow.


parsnips

Parsnips

Dirty, ill, stubby corpse fingers. Wash your fat fingers you deformed corpse. Taste wrong. Fix the flavour and I still won't eat them because they're stubby corpse fingers.


spinach

Spinach

Green bits of soggy toilet roll that get stuck in your teeth. No flavour.


cabbage

Cabbage

Crap leaves. Crap lettuce. No one likes cabbage.


lettuce

Lettuce

Like cabbage but you don't cook it. Tastes of dirty water.


carrots

Brussels Sprouts

The soft, wrinkly skulls of unborn foetuses. Made of cabbage. I personally think it is wrong to eat these. Taste like farts anyway.


radish

Radish

Evil little spicy onion thing. Nasty little bastard. If I didn't want people to eat me, I would taste like this. Plural: Radi


broad beans

Broad Beans

The worst tasting thing in the universe. Tastes like old granddad socks. Like eating a vegetable tumour of old sweaty feet.


green beans

Green Beans

All the same. Green and taste of water. Sometimes stringy.


sweet potato

Sweet Potatoes

Anyone that buys sweet potato crisps is just trying to be different. Anyone that offers them out, without explaining what they are is an absolute cunt. It really is unforgivable.


swede turnip

Swede/Turnip

Rubbish, bad breath flavoured medieval food for simpletons. Don't mash this.


celery

Celery

Falls in the salad spectrum of plants that you don't bother cooking. Don't bother eating it either. Tastes of photocopier ink.


courgette

Courgette/Zucchini

Hairy green dildos. You would never choose to eat these.


cress

Cress

Seriously? It's just some weeds. You should take better care of your garden.


cauliflower

Cauliflower

Ill broccoli. Not a flower. Always smells rotten, even when fresh. It's like eating some old lady's curly white hair, somehow solidified. Leave her alone, she's old.


cucumber

Cucumber

Another fake veg. Not to be cooked. Made from 98% nothing. I can't imagine eating one of these.


aubergine

Aubergine/Eggplant

Big, black, shiny bladder sponge. Cut it open and you'll see they forgot to put anything in there. Fuck right off.


potatoes

Potato

This one is OK

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